Words of wisdom from Boss Tanaka

We really need a lot of money if we're trying to prove things to people around us. If you get off that ride, then you just need enough to cover the basics and have a good time.

Things to take along to a cheap trip abroad

I had decided not to blog unless I had something genuinely funny to say. I couldn't get myself to blog like most of the faggots that are passing their daily menstruation as blog posts. Just don't see myself saying "Oooo ... I saw a pigeon rubbing another pigeon's beak today, when I was washing my neighbour's utensils." OR "Did you know that Chaddi Kumar farted in ONE TWO THREE six times?". Ch**t*y* saale !!! Read the post below to see how excited I got because of a fucking dumb arse contest that is getting participants increasingly unqualified with each passing year. Won't get fagged again.

So, I just came back from Jakarta and KL. I won't say what I was doing for the year almost that I was silent. It was all f*cked up and has still not stabilized. And I know you don't care, so f*ck you !!! What I learn't on this trip was that whenever you are going on a shortened budget to a foreign country, carry your own toiletries. The hotel I was staying was a good place. It made no qualms about being a budget hotel and acted like one.

There was toothpaste with a toothbrush besides the sink. It was the size of Hritik Roshan's eleventh finger. It was sealed like it had plutonium extracts and when I finally managed to poke a teeny pinhole in it, half of it emptied out in a hiss. AIR, m*th*rf*ck*r !!! The toothbrush however looked like I could sleep on its head. So I'm thinking, this little tube that I can barely hold in my fingers must have serious foam power. B*lls, bh**nch*d. It was like brushing teeth with urad dal.

Then a shower was due. After 11 hour of flying, I smelt like I was decaying. The soap was a joke. It was the size of a cheap eraser that comes in those kiddie return-gift compass boxes. I was afraid that if I got cozy with it and went down where the sun don't shine, then it would slip up my butt. They had the balls to cover it with thin plastic.

Man, the things I'm made to do !!! Until next time, f*ck you.

Miss India ... a prediction

It's 12.23 am. About 30 minutes before the new Miss India is crowned.

My prediction is Sarah Jane Dias. So far, the only girl who has shown any potential is her. i don't know what is going to happen to the other two positions.

Coming up tomorrow, a more comprehensive update on the strangeness that is the Miss India 2007 pageant.

Update **** ... Popat ho gaya. The show is over. I posted in haste, only to realize that this show was not live. DAMN !!! The world was already informed and aware by 10.30pm of who the winner was. For all those of you who shared my popatness this year, the next year, impress fellow viewers by accurate predictions gotten off searching the Internet. Maybe I'll forget it myself about this time next year.

Traffic in Mumbai

Traffic in Mumbai is legendary. It takes 3 minutes at 6 am from Indian Oil to Laxmi Industrial Estate. It takes 45 minutes at 11 am, same distance. The only people that seem to be reaching on time are the baniyaan and kutra clad bikers that will jump over you and weave through the traffic. And honestly, I don't think they ever have somewhere important to go to.

Each time you set out on a short excursion, any time of the day OR night, weekends included, the roads of Mumbai are clogged. There's cars, and rickshaws and then more cars. True that most rickshaws are empty, but there are some that are occupied. Bikes and scooters even. Daredevils and vintage (read rusted) bikers Buses are packed to the brim, tilting to the side where the doors are since half the passengers are hanging for dear life. Trains are full, but well balances ... enough people hanging to survive. So, that's many people travelling during business hours, I'm assuming, going to work.

Then who the fuck is working?

If no one is working, then someone must be producing all the India Shining and market booming. Who could it be, other than the middle class tax payers that somehow reach work on time, actually work, earn money only to have it stolen from their paycheques by the government. Saala log !!!

Loooooong time

Yep ... A really long time. Plenty happened since. A quick recap.

• Baangd, Andy and Iyer got married.
• Abhi is now finally happy.
• Bird got a year older ... as expected, it doesn't show.
• I'm with Cynapse full-time again. Docking with the mother ship is always good fun.
• I now am the proud owner of a Palm Treo 750 and a Nokia E50.
• Consulting is booming. All brand equity gained over the years is finally paying off.
• I started the "one day one rep" workout on the 1st of April. Surprising choice of the day :) Hoping I don't con myself.

Saala office se lamba post nahi kar sakta hai. More to come soon. Hopefully. Don't get your hopes high.

Cheers, all.

MCPs from the past ...

Our ultra-brilliant ancestors really knew how to keep their wives happy !!! Here's an article from a popular magazine called "Housekeeping", aimed at housewives of the time, supporting them with recipes, DIYs and of course, "good advice" ...



Not to be let down, when discovered, feminists of the new milennium have created, The Good Husband's Guide. Worth a read, though it does sounds more generalized with the author's views, as compared to the brilliant piece of journalism above that clearly aims at addressing "more real world problems".

My favourite is "Remember, he is the master of the house ... "

You do know when I'm being sarcastic, don't you?

Busy G ... How to look important and climb the corporate ladder

Iyer made an amazing post today. Busyier is a piece that all new enterprise recruits and all senior management will identify with. Looking busy at work to justify your measely existence in an ecosystem that has nothing to offer to you other than your salary. My idol in this field is Wally. Scott, Wally needs his own comic strip.

I have a few ideas myself, having completed my Ph.D. in Looking Busy (also known as "Looking Indispensable"). Thanks to my history of picking jobs that do not involve me using my brains or skills. Not that I have many. Still. I've also created an index to gauge effectiveness of each technique. The Average Time Killed (ATK) index, measured in minutes, will guide you to your way to the top of the utility chain. Here goes:

1. Open any newspaper classifieds and circle ads containing the words "erectile dysfunction", "sex clinic" and "viagra". To your boss, this would mean you have a problem that might lead to you killing your boss. He won't mess with you. ATK: 20
   
2. Download a lot of white papers related to your job description (TechRepublic is a great source) and buy a pair of tinted yet lightened sunglasses. Open the white paper, scroll to page 3, wear your glasses and snooze. Place your hand on the end of the desk and ensure that it will keep falling off every few minutes, mildly waking you up. This is so that you don't snore (big problem with me). This is a fool proof, ultra-power nap method. ATK: 30-45 minutes, depending on how much you can sleep. Oh, and if someone asks about the glasses, tell them they are polycarbonite photochromatic bipolar hand polished reflective lenses that protect your eyes from fatigue (Faati Gyu).
   
3. Take an ACTUAL break. Solve the Sudoku. Your boss will join you. And if you beat him in time or spaces filled, he will respect you for it. ATK: Depends on how bad you are at Sudoku.
   
4. If you have access to a pair of headphones with a mike, put them on, bring the mike to your mouth, listen to "Beedi Jalayile" and intermittently, say "Hmmmm ...." and "OK" to yourself. Note that Skype should be started and on top of all windows. ATK: 5.50. Or the time your favourite song or playlist takes.
   
5. Smoke. And be smoked. This means, take frequent smoke breaks and be open to being dragged out for a smoke by anyone in your team or at your level and above in the organization's heriarchy. It will always look like you are either discussing the next million dollar idea or counselling your team members on topics like "How to rid yourself of unwanted hair" or "Why she won't look beyond your bad breath and the giant mole on your ever protruding forehead". ATK: 15, at least five times a day
   
6. Adding to Iyer's water and loo breaks, the "friendly piss" break. This is where you keep bottles of water filled around your desk and keep offering it to everyone who sits around you, or walks by. Statistics (my own observation) says that if enough water is pumped into someone's innocent bowels, they will feel like peeing. Mostly, men are very vocal about going for a leak (at least, I am). Join them. Once in the loo, do your hair (not applicable to me), wash your face, clean your glasses, pretend to misplace your lens in your eye ... anything to extend your stay at the bladderbreak hotel. ATK: 10 (variable depending on the number of bottles on your desk and the distance between your desk and the loo)

Foundation rules:

• Leave your desk only if absolutely imperative. Yet, find legitimate excuses to leave as often as possible.
• Never leave your desk alone. You tend to look like you're working while on the move.
• Buy ammo in advance. The last thing you want to do is go around begging people for smokes or matches. Or worse, newspaper classifieds. HR reads that as job hopping.
• Use excellent phrases when "disturbed". Like "I'm busy trying to comprehend the meaning of Strouffstroub's third paradigm", "Do you know what Leinecker meant when he was talking about value chains in linked lists? I'm working on it since morning." .... my personal favourite, delivered with a cheeky smirk while rubbing hands... "I'm 10 minutes away from achieving this week's target."
  

Other suggestions are welcome and invited. Or else, I'll just look up Iyer's post again.